need ideas for my attempt at saving marriage…specifics if poss…?

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:12:12 +0000

Question by : need ideas for my attempt at saving marriage…specifics if poss…?
ok every1 who may have been there b4. I need specific ideas here. after 17yrs unforseen marital crisis hit me several mths ago. loss of degree of her love, still loves but like a friend, no intimate connection felt. initial shock reaction pushed her further away, panicked, came off as needy & demanding, pushed her to point of saying she wanted out.
got myself under control, regained my lost confidence, went to work on me. changed some day2day behaviors, analysed situation in depth, took self improvement courses. changes have been noticed, responses changed from ‘its been too long, pretending too long, its too late’ & ‘just dont feel it anymore’ to ‘give me time/space to work some things out’.
We are right together, no doubt there. know problem comes from me not having met her emotional needs, got lazy there, insensitivites as a guy, and taking for granted we always would be. seeing as things always seemed good, never worked on anything. didnt know she was feeling a disconnect and just pretending everything was ok.
know u cant ‘make’ some1 love u that way, but believe intimate love can be recultivated, connections re-found. either way, believe a marriage, especially a good1, is worth fighting for. she is worth fighting for. seeing as even as we go thru this we get along gr8, little tension, talk, laugh, etc. for me speaks to likelyhood of re-connecting, at least worth a try to know for sure. believe almost any marriage can be saved, done enough research on subject to know that.
know at this point its not my decision, may have to let her go if she chooses, but unlike some people who would just throw in towel, I am not prepared to give up so easily.
this marriage is worth a 2nd chance. I am committed if she allows it, to not make same mistakes ever again. I have learned where/how I went wrong,&how to meet a womans emotional needs, once we get back to couple status instead of living like friends. I feel thru intuition that somewhere deep down she knows we can make this right & when expressed that to her, she did not deny it. know that it hasnt been that long in the grand scheme of things, but living so close to some1 that u desire so much,& r so good together(other than my having taken her for granted in certain ways), after having ur love re-awoken, is very hard to do. she has also said that she wouldnt want another after me, makes me believe she knows we are right together, so if we cant make it, who can?
she has not asked for a divorce or seperation, just time/space,& when I said if you want a divorce, I’ll give it to u, whatever it takes to make u happy, she responded with noone is talking divorce yet, makes me believe shes waiting to see/feel something from me b4 she makes her ultimate decision. in terms of feel, having hard time generating an internal love feeling, to put out that vibe, while feeling such anxiety on this turn of events. so while I work on that, there must be some simple, subtle things that i can do to make her feel wanted, valued, loved etc. not to sound like a rookie, but been lontime since i tried to woo someone, a little rusty.
some say to recreate, re-do what was done the 1st time, problem there is respecting time/space, cant come home with flowers, go out on dates, little notes, little carresses etc. with 2 young children at home & busy schedule, adds more limitations. can’t do the traditional ‘dating’ type things.
any ideas? small, specific, subtle but noticeable ideas that would make a woman feel wanted, appreciated, loved, while in time/space mode? something that might just tip the scale a little? or should I just do nothing, sit by and hope?

Best answer:

Answer by Mawia
Good for you wanting to save your marriage.

A couple of things come to mind.

Ask your wife to stop watching soap operas and hanging out with divorced and divorce-pending friends.

You say you have 2 young children, help her with some of those chores that go with young children.

What does she REALLY, REALLY like? Crackers with melted cheese? Clean windows? Spotless vehicle? Pick one thing each week and do it or arrange to have it done for her.

Contact the organization below, they have help thousands of couples in your situation, they can help you too.

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Is it wrong to not adopt an illegitimate child conceived during your marriage after you remarry that person?

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 02:18:23 +0000

Question by J: Is it wrong to not adopt an illegitimate child conceived during your marriage after you remarry that person?
I feel that I am in a somewhat unique situation here. My wife had sex with another man and supposedly got pregnant by him. In about a month’s time, she divorced me to save him from getting arrested, even though I said it wasn’t necessary to do that. About 2 months after the divorce, she convinced me to go ahead and get remarried, and about 4 months after that, the child was born.

As it stands, she has been wanting me to adopt him since his birth, so I can be his dad full time (I said supposedly earlier because she has not wanted to get a paternity test even after he and myself have both asked for one; she maintains that she knows the child is the other man’s). The biggest problems that I have with this are that she makes it seem like, and has told me directly that, if I do not adopt the child, then we have no business being together. To me, that makes it sound like the child is a condition for us to continue to be remarried.
Next, I have tried to tell her that I am still damaged from what happened and have trust issues still, but she insists that I have had over eight months to move past it and I can stop living in the past anytime that I choose to do so (on that note, anytime she brings up living in the past, I do remind her why we got to this point in our lives) and I do not feel like she has been very understanding, supportive or given me enough time to work out my issues. I will admit though, until the past couple of months, I had not been very emotionally supportive of her at all, especially after she had him, but I have done a lot to start turning that around and continue to do more to make up for it.
Third, if our first marriage was any indication, we have never really had a very stable marriage either time, and I am afraid that unless something changes (namely focusing on rebuilding ourselves and our relationship first and foremost), we will end up divorced again, but I will have an additional child who is not mine to take care of or have to go through the process of getting the other guy his rights back, all at my cost.

To answer any questions about why we even bothered getting back together: we still love each other and we also have a daughter together and she has another daughter from a previous marriage that sees me as her dad and I see her as my daughter. We also both want to stay together and for this to work out for us as much as we would the kids. So, I guess the main questions are:

1) Is it wrong of me to not want to adopt the child based off of the above information?
2) Is there any way that I could possibly preserve our marriage without going to the adoption until I feel we are stable enough and I am ready to do so?
3) Is this a situation that is impossible or near-impossible to resolve with us being together?
4) Has anyone ever dealt with this situation before?

I feel this is the best way to get several unbiased opinions on the subject and hope to get some good feedback!
I failed to mention this above, but since she has been back, she has ceased all behavior that would put her in this position again, like she promised me this time around. She won’t even go out with her friends unless I’m ok with it and she chose to stay in contact with me both times she went out (I never asked her to do this, she did so on her own) and when she asked if she could stay out later and I asked her if she would come home instead, she came home. Everything else I am worried about because it seems to be unresolved issues from last time as well as her wanting me to adopt the child. And the child and I have a decent relationship as well, but I just don’t want him to seem like a condition for our marriage’s survival.

Best answer:

Answer by colostomy_punch
1) I wouldn’t be adopting this kid if I were you. The fact she won’t do a paternity test when you AND the supposed father want it done.. just tells me it’s probably mystery man number 3 and she’s trying to save face. You can get it done without her, I suggest you do.

2) She seems to have this as a condition and honestly it almost feels like she’s trying to trap you. If you don’t adopt this child, are you going to raise it any differently? think any differently? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t trust this woman as far as I could throw her just from what you’ve said here. If she wants to end it.. let her.

3) Do you really WANT to be with this woman? I mean, read over what you’ve put here.. can you really trust this woman?

4) No, I wouldn’t get back together with someone who screws around and has children then wants me to take care of said children.

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how to save marriage?

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 04:17:43 +0000

Question by : how to save marriage?

Best answer:

Answer by TheOne
well

it depends on what the issues are

the broader approach would be marriage counseling

peace

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I am desperate to save my marriage, My 5 year old son needs both Mommy and Daddy?

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:14:47 +0000

Question by Desperate: I am desperate to save my marriage, My 5 year old son needs both Mommy and Daddy?
I live in Japan. My wife and I have always had communication problems. We fight a lot. From my perspective she is either in passive aggressive mode or simply aggressive mode most of the time. The odd thing is while she is hostile and uncompromising to me she has completely different things to say about me and her hopes when she talks about me to her mother.

We both thought we needed a break so we agreed she would take my child and visit her mother for a month. I tried to just not communicate and let things cool off and succeeded for a couple of weeks but when I called and tried to talk to her or my son she kept brushing me off even in the shortest conversations. This blew up into yet another fight over the phone after which she told me she would return to start divorce proceedings. After she came back I tried to let her cool off and made serious efforts to deal with my temper which in her view was the problem. I also tried to engage her in some actual dialog but the only thing she would talk about is divorce.

The thing is I also was in conversation with her mother who insisted that my wife was interested in repairing the marriage and that I could not take what she said at face value. No matter what I tried my wife simply would not engage in any kind of constructive conversation, and would only talk about divorce or separation.

Desperate to do anything to get her to cool off I agreed that she and my boy should go back and spend some more time with her mother. She liked that but said she wanted to go the next day. I did not know how long it would be until I could see my son again so I asked her to give me a couple of days with him so I could say good by and take him to disney land. I thought it was a reasonable request but she said “no”. Impasse. The following day, she disappeared with him. After a week and a day she contacted her mother and we now know she has been in a shelter for abused women. I was not abusing her. We were not even raising our voices at each other. It seems she just wanted to deny me, the guy who is buying her plane tickets to be with her mother, a couple of days with our son.

In all our conversations she acknowledges that I am a great dad and I am, I get him up in the morning dress him feed him and take him to the bus stop, I also put him to bed most nights. In action I have been as much a mother to him, especially over the last two or three years than she has. So she keeps saying she wants us to raise our boy together, but her idea of “together” is she takes him to live in another town 500 miles away and I can see him when I can both take time off work and raise the plane fare. Plane fare is not cheap in japan and I am not a rich man, so that is simply a totally dishonest idea or an insane misrepresentation of what is practical.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage because I love my boy more than anything in the world and I want him to have a mamma and a papa. I also want to repair the relationship with my wife but simply cannot get her to engage.

I have never felt so hopelessly depressed in my life.

Best answer:

Answer by carano1xt
why is she so mad at you? there must be some reason why- find out & fix it. if she wont tell you, ask her mother why she is so mad at you…

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Technorati Tags: both, Daddy, desperate, Marriage, Mommy, needs, Save, year

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How does the Military view Divorce and Foreclosure?

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 22:16:11 +0000

Question by Pooky: How does the Military view Divorce and Foreclosure?
Current rank is E 5, Can this adversely affect your promotions, I was unable to save marriage and it dominoed from there.

Best answer:

Answer by lisab
The marriage thing doesn’t play any factor with promotions and the foreclosure might hurt you if you have a clearance. You should make efforts to clean up any debt and you will have no problems.

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My wife wants divorce. She is seeing someone. I am 50. She is 42. Son 18. I want to save marriage. Please Help?

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:14:10 +0000

Question by your fan: My wife wants divorce. She is seeing someone. I am 50. She is 42. Son 18. I want to save marriage. Please Help?
We are married for 23 years. She do not respect my parents, friends, guests etc. We both are self employed. Most of our properties are on joint names. I saved this marriage 16 years back as my son was only 2 years that time. She told me to marry somebody else. I do not think 50 is an age to marry again. Please give me some good advice or address of help organisations. Thanks.

Best answer:

Answer by that guy
thanks for all the details…….but i’m gonna go out on a limb and just tell you to get a divorce.

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Technorati Tags: divorce, help, Marriage, please, Save, seeing, someone, want, wants, wife

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Emotional Affair over but wife still has concerns.. anything I can do to save marriage?

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 08:14:54 +0000

Question by MSH73: Emotional Affair over but wife still has concerns.. anything I can do to save marriage?
My wife recently found out that I was having an emotional affair with another woman via my blackberry and we are thinking of divorce after 14 years of seemingly a normal up/down marriage.

When she confronted me with this I initially lied but confessed 5 mins later after a wave guilt

Poor decision making on my part as I met the younger woman through my job. We went to lunch three times and shared “how doing” and “whats going with you?” type of text messages over a 3/4 month period. The lunches were 1 group lunch and two lunches by ourselves.

My wife asked why.. and I gave her a very honest response of the different type of attention that I received from this other woman was something new and unexpected. I just liked the attention from this pretty woman and purposely hid this from my wife as I knew it was somewhat wrong.

I was never physical with this other woman but it doesn’t seem to matter to my wife much.. I feel like a total scumbag..

My wife questions my true intentions and doubts that we were not physical..I would doubt the same. .. I’ve lost her trust and friendship an want to try get it back..

Thoughts or ideas would be appreciated from today’s biggest Loser.

Best answer:

Answer by T P
the mistake you made was hiding the truth, if you approached it as non-chalant then she would accept it. However, now your wife will question everything that you say.

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Technorati Tags: affair, anything, concerns.., emotional, Marriage, over, Save, still, wife

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DIVORCE or RECONCILIATION? what is your opinion on my husbands actions?

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:15:24 +0000

Question by plantasmile: DIVORCE or RECONCILIATION? what is your opinion on my husbands actions?
We are ironing out the details on a controlled separation based on a book i discovered that has 12 guidelines that if followed completely could save your marriage. Using the theory that everything is planned ahead of time,such as time limit,how much contact, sex, financial etc.. therefore leaving no room for bickering, The 2nd and very important guideline is that both parties both promise not to pursue divorce for the set amount of time. (ours is 6 months) well he filed for divorce before we agreed to this plan and now tells me he doesn’t want to withdraw the filing’ but will promise not to take any action 4the 6 mos. I’m wondering if our divorce will finalize itself if not withdrawn?I live in Oregon. I had my attorney accept the papers in my behalf but we have not gone any further than that. I don’t see how we can fix this marriage as long as this filing is in effect. It’s hanging over my head and making me walk on eggshells. My husband tells me he loves me and wants it to work.

Best answer:

Answer by Jeanie
Both parties usually have to sign divorce papers, until then it is just money paid to a lawyer. I’d tell him that you would be more comfortable if he had them withdrawn.

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Technorati Tags: actions, divorce, husbands, opinion, RECONCILIATION

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Help us save marriage? Anyone?

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 10:13:59 +0000

Question by : Help us save marriage? Anyone?
Do you guess my acquaintance is dumb for trying to save her marriage? This is her fourth marriage, so she is really doesn’t desire to feel like she has failed again. She has been married 7 years

Best answer:

Answer by Chelsey Alexander
shes not stupid she wants to be loved but is with someone who doesnt love her back be her friend get her involved in church pray for her. if you are sincerely her friend be there for her cause if she got the courage to leave she will need your support. god bless your friend i pray things work out. If She really want to save her marriage she can check this site out. http://doiop.com/savemymarriage

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How can i save my marriage? or should i just get divorce papers…?

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 16:16:35 +0000

Question by Eva: How can i save my marriage? or should i just get divorce papers…?
sorry i have to post my story again to get more feedback. I need to get opinions to drag my day through…

I’m Chinese and My husband is American. We got married at the end of 2008. We had ups and downs but he just left me 3 days ago. He just said he was not happy and moved out like that. It was so sudden and shocking to me.

He never gave me any specific reason for “breaking up”, but i kinda know he thinks he is constrained by marriage and he’s lost his freedom, especially when we planned to have a baby. Actually we’d been trying 4 months for a baby but we were not successful for some reason. He never wanted a baby but he denied it when i asked if he didn’t want one at all.

He wouldn’t talk to me about this at all. and he wouldn’t talk about this to his friends or family members.

We haven’t got our divorce papers yet but you see, he just moved out and refused to communicate. So divorce is inevitable.

More details:

1. He never told me he wants his freedom. but i was almost sure it was what he wanted.

One hobby he’s fascinated at is online gaming. He always loved that but during the past few months he did it even more. He only worked 15 (or less) hours during the last few months since he was a teacher. So he spent most of his free time playing games. — about 6 hours or even more per day. sometimes he played less but it was rare.

What astonished me was not only about his decision to leave me. His attitude changed from being sad when he first mentioned it to me, then to determined, then even to indifferent, hateful and callous. All these changes happened within one week when i did nothing wrong. The only thing i did was to show him how much i love and care about him and how much i don’t want this marriage to end like that. It was 1st July when he first told me, then he moved out in a week. The two major reasons to delay his moving out were: 1) My dad has cancer and i worried about his health; 2) My husband couldn’t find a nice apartment immediately.

2) At first he did spend hours telling me why he wanted to leave. but u know, no satisfactory reasons provided for a big decision — DIVORCE. He just told me that he felt this emptiness in his heart and that he was not happy about our marriage. We didn’t have big arguments at all before this. He himself even said usually a couple would have a major reason for a divorce, but he didn’t have one. He even said us planning to have a baby is one step towards saving our marriage, which was so untrue! We discussed about having a baby even before we got married. Even at that time i told him my views on baby and he totally agreed. I said i would like to have a baby before/ when i turn to 35 years old so that my baby would get the best genes from its parents.

After we got married, we discussed it like one year ago and we mutually agreed that we would try to get me pregnant around June this month.

But now when he wanted to break up, he just said we wanted a baby to SAVE our marriage and failed, which was a sign for divorce.

3) He IS serious about moving out. he told me his feelings said he wanted a divorce right now but his head told him to wait. He also said he didn’t see anything that might possibly change his decision in the future, maybe “the end of the world” in his own words and he said that in his half-joking manner. When he left he took away every little things of his, even a few bags of instant noodles, other snacks, a small knife, his tools, a small bottle of mouthwash, a facial wash, etc.

4) The house I’ve been living in is mine. I bought this house 3 years ago before he came to China. I paid, with my parents’ help, about 500,000 RMB and then i took some loans from the bank. He only had 1000 US dollars with him when he came to me. I never minded it because i had thought what we had was TRUE LOVE, which is the only thing that matters most in my life.

I loved him and i still love him…
SOMETHING NEW:
Oh, does anyone here believe in horoscope? Like “the five elements and the eight trigrams”? I believe it and it’s a science. I just asked my cousin, an expert in this, to “calculate” for me and he said a lot of things that i probably knew already if i use my reasoning but was too reluctant to accept it (or was just pretending it was not true). He said my husband was not bad in nature, namely, not wicked, not to do this to hurt me. But he has no responsibility and he’s just like a child. All he could think of is him and his own benefits. He couldn’t stand being “constrained” by me or this marriage and he wants freedom. Cousin also told me that my husband has no long-term plans or anything, he only wants to be comfortable for now. He wouldn’t care when to get the divorce papers or if we get them at all. He just doesn’t care. As to the decision to move out, he would regret a little today but get determined tomorrow.
My cousin then told me this: Most of this decision came from my husband himself, but he did get influenced by one of his friend around him, and this friend is a girl. BUT Cousin also said my hus doesn’t have an affair with this girl or any other girl, namely, he doesn’t have a relationship. This girl Cousin mentioned was just some girl who wouldn’t put good words into my husband’s ears. Sigh.

Best answer:

Answer by Angie Kelso
too long of a story. You need to condense it ALOT in order to get alot of responses. I’d suggest you at least cut it down to half or less. Then you will succeed in getting many more responses. Not too many people have time to read such a long story.

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need ideas for my attempt at saving marriage…specifics if poss…?

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