Can polyamory/polygamy save marriages?
Question by Candi P: Can polyamory/polygamy save marriages?
I’m conducting research for an article I’m writing about polyamory and polygamy possibly being a way to save marriages and I would like to have some opinions from others.
For those who do not know Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. And the term polygamy is a Greek word meaning “the practice of multiple marriage.”
For all of your information; I myself am not polyamorous nor do I believe in it/think it can save marriages.
I would like to quote some of you in the article, so I may contact you.
Best answer:
Answer by Latin G
Yes having a lover (or two), on the side can definatly help a marrage; excpet it has to be a secret…. lol
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Tags:marriages,polyamory/polygamy,Save
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Polyamory will ruin a marriage that is not strong, but is legal. Poly couples are usually open with each other and honest about what they want. They usually have one spouse, but can be committed to others. The government can’t make you have just one partner. Whereas polygamy is illegal because you are legally(technically illegally) wed to more than one person, and in most cases the spouses aren’t aware of each other, except in extreme cases such as the fundamentalist mormons.
I don’t think either can save a marriage, that is already having issues.
I don’t think in the states, unless of course the woman has been raised with such beliefs. I think that women in the states are too strong minded and independant. It’s only men who are able to marry multiple women. I’ve never heard of women marrying multiple men. So I see it as another form of control or repression.
Granted, with a marriage that consists of multiple people you think that chores and child rearing is better as multiple women are tending to these needs. However within the marriage I only see the man’s benefits or happiness. As a women I know how important it is for me to feel loved, wanted and needed. Within this type of marriage I don’t see how that would all fit. Because each person must work for the common goal. Rather then one’s personal goal. I’ve always felt to each their own. But I don’t see how it will save any marriages. Naturally though I would think that because of how I was raised.
In my mind, if there were any benefit to this type of marriage it would be of the physical aspect, sharing responsibilities. But on a personable level I couldn’t see how anyones needs are being met besides of course the husband.
Why is it that womens’ needs play second fiddle?
I have 15 years and more experience in this subject. I don’t know if I would be comfortable saying ployamory can save a marriage which is already in rocky shape. In my case, our marriage was fairly stable, although due to a long overseas deployment, we had both strayed. Mine was a stupid, fear-induced one night stand, but hers was a more fundamental shift, and she had finally chosen not to suppress her bisexuality any more. In our case, it did, I think, strengthen our marriage, but ours was not in serious trouble before.
Ultimately, polyamory requires a great deal of healthy, direct communication and maturity, and those are items which the lack of seems to be the cause of a lot of marital trouble. If a marriage is on the rocks because of a lack of those things, polyamory is likely not going to do anything to help.
That’s just my opinion, though.
In my experience (I’m polyamorous, married 17 years and counting, and with a secondary partnership that’s lasted 26 years and counting), it’s best to explore polyamory within the context of a relationship that is basically happy and stable. A relationship that’s already really rocky is likely to founder under the extra pressures created by multiple partners.
That said, one of the key advantages to a polyamorous relationship is the ability to meet differing needs without having to sacrifice the existing or primary relationship. If incompatible needs are what’s at issue, then getting those needs met could “save” a relationship. In my experience, however, that’s almost never the only or the major thing at issue in relationships that are having difficulty.
In my own marriage, I would say that what “saved” it during one of our greater crises (about a dozen years ago) was the commitment of both myself and my husband to each other, to our relationship, to our family, and to learning communication and relationship skills to see us through the difficult times. For us, this meant *closing* the relationship while we saw a relationship counselor, and only re-opening the relationship when we were both ready to do so.
If you (or others) are thinking of exploring this path, I highly recommend reading some books and/or websites, attending conferences (there’s one July 25-27 in CA!), and participating in some discussion groups (online or in person). I’ve included a few links to get you started. It’s not an easy path, and I don’t recommend it for everyone, but for some of us, it can lead to an amazing amount of love in our lives. Best wishes, whatever your best relationship path turns out to be!
Considering some of the movers and shakers of the polyamory movement have been feminist women, I think Juggman is quite mistaken. Perhaps he’s thinking of Mormon-style Polygamy instead of Polyamory.
As far as the original question, polyamory will probably not save a failing marriage. For polyamory to work, the people involved need a good level of honesty, communication, trust, and respect. In my observation, these are qualities in short supply in most failng marriages.
Polyamory, which is about accepting the needs and desires of ALL members of a relationship, is best undertaken when a relationship is healthy.
There must be established trust, open communication free from fear of judgment or of being instantly turned down. Those who are together must feel secure with their relationship, and agree that all the needs of their particular relationship are already being met.
For example, a couple who is happily married may decide that they have enough sex, they feel that there is enough romance, and they are comfortable living their lives out together, raising children and sharing a household. But they might also agree that pursuing new relationships is exciting, fun, and uplifting. Or they may agree the forging deep emotional and romantic bonds with other people spreads their horizons and enriches their lives with new experiences and new reflections of happiness.
Or, there’s even the possibility that a married couple still wants to maintain their marriage, they love one another, trust each other, care for one another, but lack sexual or romantic feelings for one another after being together for a number of years. If they mutually agree that their relationship is centered around trust and companionship, but that sex is no longer a vital part of their marriage, they may openly agree to seek sex outside their marriage. Sometimes that means JUST sex with other people, sometimes that is open to allowing romantic relationships with other people. The important part is that they agree on what is important to their relationship, and to themselves as individuals, and that they will abide by the guidelines and rules they’ve created for their new relationships and existing one.
A couple who is resentful, untrusting, or damaged, who attempts to introduce other people into the sphere of romance or intimacy will find that all their insecurities are being pulled up into the light of day, and magnified ten-fold. Introducing new people into a relationship instantly reveals the insecurities, mistrusts, and miscommunications of the existing relationship. Sometimes so much so, and so quickly, that the existing relationship falls apart (or more likely, gets blown to smithereens).
I would not suggest this practice for anyone who feels that their marriage needs ‘saving’. It is meant for people who’s marriage is doing fine, and the partners as individuals want to experience more love and intimacy with others on top of the love they already receive from their marriage.