Do you think it’s wrong to go against your morals and values if it could possibly save your marriage?
Question by Wendy B: Do you think it’s wrong to go against your morals and values if it could possibly save your marriage?
I’m at my wits end with my marriage. I moved out in September, but came back in December. I think he’s an alcoholic. He says he likes to have fun and I’m ‘lame’. I think he maybe cheated while I was gone, but he says “if you think that, get a divorce”. He puts his family before me and the kids. I have tried begging, pleading, counselling, etc and nothing seems to get through. I finally broke down last night and told him that he “wins” so to speak and that I see he tried to live different, but it made him angry at me and withdrawn. In turn, even with the drinking cut down and the bar stops less frequent, the marriage is still awful. The funny part is that he says that he’s really happy. I’m miserable. So, I told him last night that I would let go of what I think is right and wrong and try to be more like him and his family. He seems thrilled, but I am sick to death about it. I literally got myself so worked up last night that I vomited. I can’t mix my current life with this bar trash/drinking/put myself ahead of the kids deal. I feel like I’m giving up who I am proud to be to save our marriage. I can’t hang out with my friends and talk to them about my life like this or they will think I’m crazy. I know that marriage is important. Is this just ridiculous to try to be a better marriage partner like this? I told him that I wouldn’t be bothered if he goes to the bar. I told him to just do his own thing and I’ll do mine. I let him know that I will put the kids into daycare/school and go to work full time. I feel like I asked him to change for me and he tried, but failed. Isn’t it only fair if I do the same for him? I think the main reason this is so hard for me is because I was raised different than this and I would be embarrassed to have friends or family find out that I’m now a bar person. I can’t imagine being thought of as someone who dumps my kids off and skips off to work. This is embarssing, but I know that people do this everyday. Do you think that this is the right thing to do even though right now it is uncomfortable and weird or should I just count this as a failed marriage and be alone?
2 seconds ago – 3 days
I have a 5 and 3 year old and another baby due in May.
nerdgirl….yes, unfortunatly, I guess I do judge, but more on myself than others. I went to school, got my MBA, and then realized that family was more important than a fancy car and a cool job. I have been working pt for the past 6 years to follow the dream my husband and I set forth on. I wouldn’t have had children (especially not 3) if I willingly chose to be a career woman. I feel that, for me, my time to work at a career is after the kids are a little older and not so dependant on thier Mother. So, yes, I judge, but it’s myself that I’m upset with, not those who have to work to pay the bills. We pay our bills fine on one income. For me to work fulltime would simply be selfish and greedy.
Best answer:
Answer by Belinda28
This has nothing to do w/ morals and values…he is a jerk and is treating you like crap! Ever heard ‘I can do bad all by myself’? yeah…
What do you think? Answer below!
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The problem is that this isn’t going to save your marriage. It’s just going to create a different reason for you to be unhappy.
Marriage doesn’t mean compromising your morals and values. He’s treating you badly and you are changing to make it ok. IT’s not.
I’d go to a few Al-anon meetings before you make a decision. You end up sicker than the person who’s sick, if you know what I mean. I think a few of these meetings and reading one of their books will help you and help you make a decision that will be right for you. There are plenty of people in the same boat as you and it’s nice to have them to talk to. Good luck!
Are you seriously considering staying in this marriage?!
It’s not about who changes who or whether or not you’re a bar person. It’s about taking responsibility for your family.
You owe it to yourself AND your kids to provide a loving and stable environment. If your husband can’t quit drinking and won’t put you and the kids first, why would you comprise? You’re not going to win this one and even if you changed to become more like him, in the end it won’t work. It’s not at all embarrassing to work full-time to support you and your children–that’s what MOST people do. This is a sacrifice that you make when you have kids. What’s embarrassing is neglecting your family in order to be more like your partying husband.
I don’t even think it’s worth begging and pleading because he clearly does not care.
I stopped reading half way through. He said hes happy, and your vomitting, end this, your heatlh and sanity is worth more. Its sounds like your afriad you will never find anyone. You found him didnt you? Next time you know what to look for in a man. Good luck,just pack and go. Being alone is not the part to fear ok, its how long can your withstand such unhappiness. Get a tough skin, serisously, make yourself just push forwrad to a new and better place. You can do it millions of women do. Get the legal seperation going, if he runs out and maxs out all the credit cards it will be part of the divorce, so all debts as of the moment are the only ones you want to have to list and be a part of. Reason for divorce, alchol abuse, plain simple, and its a winner.
I think any route you chose, you are going to be miserable. You should not let your beliefs or morals go to sh*t to save your marriage… no, I think that is very wrong. This is your husbands “core” personality… and trying to change that is next to impossible. He is happy… you are miserable…..and you will remain that way. Going to work and dropping your kids off at daycare is only going to compound your misery. I think you really need to do some thinking here sweetie… and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. You don’t need to be a martyr to anyone…especially a husband who seems to have little love or caring or respect for you. Your choice… but I do know what my choice would be.
I don’t get why you want to throw away all your morals and probably your kids welfare and happiness to fight for a marriage that won’t work unless that man admits he has a problem and makes the conciuss effort to change and shape up his life.
If you decide to stay and fight for your marriage you will be misserable and your kids will if you are. You can not save your marriage if your husband can not admitt that there is a problem and you need to work together to solve it.
So the problem is he goes to bars?
How often does he go? Does he come home completely trashed? Does he stay out to late? Totally ignore people because he’s busy getting dunk?
You two shouldn’t try to “change” each other. No marriage will work if either partner feels like the other needs to “change.”
That said, I don’t see what the big deal is, him going to a bar, unless he’s doing it EVERY night, and missing work/ seriously neglecting the family because of it.
People drink. People need time to get away from things (including family) occasionally. I mean, if he’s getting DUIs and staying out all night, and leaving the kids in strange places because he was too busy getting drunk, then yeah, that’s too much, but if he just goes out and has a few drinks on weekends, then what’s the problem? I don’t know what you mean by “bar person” but lots of people go to bars. It’s fun.