Emotional Affair over but wife still has concerns.. anything I can do to save marriage?
Question by MSH73: Emotional Affair over but wife still has concerns.. anything I can do to save marriage?
My wife recently found out that I was having an emotional affair with another woman via my blackberry and we are thinking of divorce after 14 years of seemingly a normal up/down marriage.
When she confronted me with this I initially lied but confessed 5 mins later after a wave guilt
Poor decision making on my part as I met the younger woman through my job. We went to lunch three times and shared “how doing” and “whats going with you?” type of text messages over a 3/4 month period. The lunches were 1 group lunch and two lunches by ourselves.
My wife asked why.. and I gave her a very honest response of the different type of attention that I received from this other woman was something new and unexpected. I just liked the attention from this pretty woman and purposely hid this from my wife as I knew it was somewhat wrong.
I was never physical with this other woman but it doesn’t seem to matter to my wife much.. I feel like a total scumbag..
My wife questions my true intentions and doubts that we were not physical..I would doubt the same. .. I’ve lost her trust and friendship an want to try get it back..
Thoughts or ideas would be appreciated from today’s biggest Loser.
Best answer:
Answer by T P
the mistake you made was hiding the truth, if you approached it as non-chalant then she would accept it. However, now your wife will question everything that you say.
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I think that Step 1 would be to stop minimizing. You’re not even telling us the whole story. Going out to lunch alone twice and texting “how are you doing” texts doesn’t qualify as an emotional affair. What feelings did you share, and what fantasies? What kind of intimate conversations did you have, and what did you talk about? Your wife is angry because you’re not telling her the whole story, and I don’t blame her, because it’s obvious you’re not.
If you’re being truly honest and the affair with this women wasn’t physical then I don’t think divorce is needed. Your wife is obviously is hurt that you went to someone else to talk about how you were feeling, thinking that you couldn’t go to her instead. I would be excatly the same. I’ve been in a relationship that’s been like this. You need to try and reassure her that you would turn to her as well. Try confiding in each other and see if this helps and makes your relationship stronger again.
Slow down! Take it easy! This was not the ordinary affair. Not that I will excuse a lunch with a female business friend. But the world did not break apart. Yes, sometimes we all make a wrong decision. We are human, aren’t we? We do make mistakes. But I would suggest that you let your wife know that she is going overboard with her accusation. Check out my source for more info on what it takes for a successful marriage.
even though it wasnt physical, it was still wrong and i would probably look at it as ‘the same thing’ also. if you have sex with someone else, you are usually looking for something ‘new and unexpected’. the same thing you said you were looking for with your emotional affair, so in a way, it could be somewhat the same.
you did, on the other hand, tell her the truth (eventually). if you want to work toward fixing this, you have to accept that your wife is going to upset and it wont be an overnight fix. i will attach some links on ‘rebuilding trust’ and surviving infidelity and i hope you will read them and go from there.
in order for this to work out, you both have to be willing to work toward the ‘happy ending’ and i hope that you will. one of the most important things is to not make excuses and to allow your wife’s anger and mistrust, and to be patient in rebuilding it.
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/rebuilding_trust/public/rebuilding_trust.html
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/what_counts_as_cheating/public/what_counts_as_cheating.html
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/question/quick_answer/recover_affair.html
i recommend that not only you read them, but that you read them WITH your wife, and then go from there. tell her that before she makes any major decisions you would at least like her to research this with you, and then decide if she feels working on the relationship is something she is willing to do.
i can vouch that these 3 links truly helped my husband and i get through a difficult time (he did not physically cheat on me either, but did something that i felt was cheating in a way)
Counseling….seriously. If you really want to fix this — its going to take actual time and hard work. There is no quick fix. You have broken her trust. you need patience to gain it back — and not necesasrily in the way that YOU think it should happen….
This is common — people start to miss having the “ego boost” and the attention of someone else…..its takes a lot of self awareness to stop yourself…everyone likes attention. It also takes hard work to keep things fresh in a marriage — and to keep focused on the things that gave you good feelings about yourslf in the beginning – especially with the demands of life.
Its also takes TWO to tango….although what you did was wrong —- the true fault lies – as you know — in the fact that you were dishonest with YOURSELF — and didn’t give her a chance to HELP fix what was lacking…..that is the shame here. You let someone else selfishly give you what she could have given you….the trust is broken in teh fact that you turned to someone else instead of her…..can she trust you to turn to HER to give her a chance instead of another woman….
you need probably to get your OWN counseling too.
best wishes and namaste