How can i save my marriage? or should i just get divorce papers…?
Question by Eva: How can i save my marriage? or should i just get divorce papers…?
sorry i have to post my story again to get more feedback. I need to get opinions to drag my day through…
I’m Chinese and My husband is American. We got married at the end of 2008. We had ups and downs but he just left me 3 days ago. He just said he was not happy and moved out like that. It was so sudden and shocking to me.
He never gave me any specific reason for “breaking up”, but i kinda know he thinks he is constrained by marriage and he’s lost his freedom, especially when we planned to have a baby. Actually we’d been trying 4 months for a baby but we were not successful for some reason. He never wanted a baby but he denied it when i asked if he didn’t want one at all.
He wouldn’t talk to me about this at all. and he wouldn’t talk about this to his friends or family members.
We haven’t got our divorce papers yet but you see, he just moved out and refused to communicate. So divorce is inevitable.
More details:
1. He never told me he wants his freedom. but i was almost sure it was what he wanted.
One hobby he’s fascinated at is online gaming. He always loved that but during the past few months he did it even more. He only worked 15 (or less) hours during the last few months since he was a teacher. So he spent most of his free time playing games. — about 6 hours or even more per day. sometimes he played less but it was rare.
What astonished me was not only about his decision to leave me. His attitude changed from being sad when he first mentioned it to me, then to determined, then even to indifferent, hateful and callous. All these changes happened within one week when i did nothing wrong. The only thing i did was to show him how much i love and care about him and how much i don’t want this marriage to end like that. It was 1st July when he first told me, then he moved out in a week. The two major reasons to delay his moving out were: 1) My dad has cancer and i worried about his health; 2) My husband couldn’t find a nice apartment immediately.
2) At first he did spend hours telling me why he wanted to leave. but u know, no satisfactory reasons provided for a big decision — DIVORCE. He just told me that he felt this emptiness in his heart and that he was not happy about our marriage. We didn’t have big arguments at all before this. He himself even said usually a couple would have a major reason for a divorce, but he didn’t have one. He even said us planning to have a baby is one step towards saving our marriage, which was so untrue! We discussed about having a baby even before we got married. Even at that time i told him my views on baby and he totally agreed. I said i would like to have a baby before/ when i turn to 35 years old so that my baby would get the best genes from its parents.
After we got married, we discussed it like one year ago and we mutually agreed that we would try to get me pregnant around June this month.
But now when he wanted to break up, he just said we wanted a baby to SAVE our marriage and failed, which was a sign for divorce.
3) He IS serious about moving out. he told me his feelings said he wanted a divorce right now but his head told him to wait. He also said he didn’t see anything that might possibly change his decision in the future, maybe “the end of the world” in his own words and he said that in his half-joking manner. When he left he took away every little things of his, even a few bags of instant noodles, other snacks, a small knife, his tools, a small bottle of mouthwash, a facial wash, etc.
4) The house I’ve been living in is mine. I bought this house 3 years ago before he came to China. I paid, with my parents’ help, about 500,000 RMB and then i took some loans from the bank. He only had 1000 US dollars with him when he came to me. I never minded it because i had thought what we had was TRUE LOVE, which is the only thing that matters most in my life.
I loved him and i still love him…
SOMETHING NEW:
Oh, does anyone here believe in horoscope? Like “the five elements and the eight trigrams”? I believe it and it’s a science. I just asked my cousin, an expert in this, to “calculate” for me and he said a lot of things that i probably knew already if i use my reasoning but was too reluctant to accept it (or was just pretending it was not true). He said my husband was not bad in nature, namely, not wicked, not to do this to hurt me. But he has no responsibility and he’s just like a child. All he could think of is him and his own benefits. He couldn’t stand being “constrained” by me or this marriage and he wants freedom. Cousin also told me that my husband has no long-term plans or anything, he only wants to be comfortable for now. He wouldn’t care when to get the divorce papers or if we get them at all. He just doesn’t care. As to the decision to move out, he would regret a little today but get determined tomorrow.
My cousin then told me this: Most of this decision came from my husband himself, but he did get influenced by one of his friend around him, and this friend is a girl. BUT Cousin also said my hus doesn’t have an affair with this girl or any other girl, namely, he doesn’t have a relationship. This girl Cousin mentioned was just some girl who wouldn’t put good words into my husband’s ears. Sigh.
Best answer:
Answer by Angie Kelso
too long of a story. You need to condense it ALOT in order to get alot of responses. I’d suggest you at least cut it down to half or less. Then you will succeed in getting many more responses. Not too many people have time to read such a long story.
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Tags:divorce,just,Marriage,papers...,Save,should
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Oh my gosh! My heart goes out to you, this is so awful what you must be going through, it does sound like he is immature and just does not want the responsibility of the marriage anymore, but do you want the marriage? I would say that space and time might resolve these feelings a bit and he might come back around but now we are dealing with a lack of trust, you will fear he will do this to you again especially after children, if would at least give you a reason then we would know where his unhappiness lies but for now he is being a total selfish jerk, I say leave him be for sometime.
I am so sorry for your hurt. But in as much as I hate to say this, I believe he is having an affair. Maybe online? The reason for my deduction is because I did the same thing to my spouse. I wanted out, I gave vague reasons, but when it came right down to it, I had someone else and wanted out. If I’m wrong, and I hope I am……then with everything he is doing and saying it seems like I’d want to retain some self respect. I’d cut him loose and move on.
throw the horoscope away….its mumbo jumbo…the precepts of man and the dark underworld…
appears as tho neither one of you know what marriage is all about, its not looking at some tea leaves at the bottom of a cup…its hard work, devotion, selflesness….patience…
as to your marriage, time to let this one go…you are hanging on to someone who has already left.