Q&A: My husband wants to end our marriage, I want to save it, what now?
Question by Niki: My husband wants to end our marriage, I want to save it, what now?
Before I start, I made a prior posting but wanted to get more responses…so …. here we go…
Well, my husband has agreed to three sessions with a marriage counselor. However, he has agreed due to me pleading with him to give us a small chance and then I will agree to a divorce if he still feels there is no hope. He even yelled at me “Three sessions and that is it, I have had it with this marriage. I can’t take any more.”
My husband and me had a dispute last week which led to me saying, I am walking away from this argument and I left him in the room alone. He then, begining last Tuesday, started sleeping on the couch. He recently told me he wants a divorce,, this was last Saturday. Since then has now begun to not eat my food, stays sleeping on the couch and doesn’t talk to me. He has taken our wedding pictures off of facebook and has stopped wearing his wedding ring. Have I completely lost him? A couple of days ago I got him to agree to see my therapist for 3 couples sessions and after that he will decide if there is no hope on his side. I started a therapist to help start the process of therapy together. I want to save my marriage.
He wants to divorce me but has said fine (by me harrassing him) to go to 3 sessions with my therapist. Today I pushed the issue a little further and he said he will give it until August 1, 2010, because he states he doesn’t want to be an evil guy and I am such a “pain in the A%s.” We have had arguments in the past that were bad (not physical) and they have gotten better. That is my belief that they have gotten better and two weeks ago he even said we are making progress. Today was our first session with my theraist as a couple. He started the session by saying “I don’t fell we work, I have no energy to work this out either and this is how I feel.” He utilized session to talk about our arguments and how I always get the last word and walk away which is the majority of why he wants to leave. He states that I walk away from him in an argument before he finishes what he has to say.
Should I ignore him and give him space, and wait for him to approach me whenever? I have been trying to connect with him for the past week and he has been busy telling me to get the F*%#k away we are over and done.
We have been married for 1 year and a half.
We dated for three years and lived together for two years.
Best answer:
Answer by broncos1123
Good luck in your next marriage…
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Tags:husband,Marriage,Save,want,wants
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I hate to be the one to say this, but I think you blew it. Communication cannot be stressed enough as an essential ingredient to a successful marriage. By walking away from disagreements and basically shutting him out you’ve intimated to him that “I don’t care what you have to say”. I know I wouldn’t stand for that very long. I wish you good luck but honestly it sounds like it is too far gone.
Sorry to hear about your marriage, but the truth of the matter is, He’s Done! He’s going through the motions of therapy for your sake just so that it can be said that you guys went to therapy, but I seriously doubt he’s going to therapy with the mindset of “oh we’re going to fix all this” I think he’s going so he can get it all out as to how he feels and WHY he wants a divorce. He needs you to know the why’s before he goes. (that’s pretty considerate actually, most of us don’t get any answers or closure)
See if he will consider counseling if not U can’t make some one love U if they don’t
You two don’t have a clue!
Instead of spending money on wasted counseling, get the book “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. (This is the book I give to every wedding to go too!)
It answers all your questions about fighting.
As a woman, you have 100X the verbal jousting ability as your husband. He CAN’T win in an argument with you ! He just can’t ! In any spar of words, he is sure to lose that battle. In that lose, he feels emasculated, degraded and humiliated. And after only a year and half he KNOWS with certainty where this new argument is going to go. He’s going to LOSE !
He has no reason to come to the table over an issue because he already knows that he’s going to get ripped apart. Why even start? It’s better just to cut the cord and find someone else thats not so destructive and abusive.
But is this WHO you really are? Ahh – no. Again, you don’t have a clue. As a woman, you don’t want to argue. What you WANT is to find a deeper intimacy with your husband and you find that through communication ! But you can’t talk to him on his level. You are so far above him in this capacity, it’s not even funny. He does feel like a little child getting yelled at which is why so many guys say that all their wives do is “bit_h”! But women don’t say this. They mostly say they are just trying to “talk”. See? This is the difference between how men and women perceive communication. It’s all about “pink” and “blue”.
Also, pick up “Men are like Waffles – Women are like Spaghetti” by Farrel. This is also all about how men and women are so different when it comes to COMMUNICATION !
Edit: I see “ether”‘s response. She speaks the truth! And look at her #6 – “Stay on topic”. This is almost impossible for women to do and is the greatest cause of conflict in marriage. Women can almost NEVER stay on topic! And this really, REALLY pisses off the guy. Why? Because a guys brain is hard-wired to be compartmentalized, linear and problem solving. Women are not ! He HAS to stay on topic and when you go off topic (because it’s ALL related anyway!), he is left WAY behind and your “tracks” just veered way away from each other. He’s still on “track” and you’re off on 10 other things. He will throw up his arms and storm away. You (YOU!!!!!) just created your own disaster !
It’s over. I’m sorry.
From previous questions of yours, I can gather that your problems are old deeply rooted and that really, you have not had a happy marriage. You do not know how to handle disagreements, cannot communicate without having vicious fights, you always have to win and have the last word.. etc. there is no way that will build a loving future as a couple. A man has to have a partner, a companion, not a momma that tells hims that he is wrong all the time, man have self esteem and egos and it seems to me that he cannot be the man of the house. He is not happy and neither are you. Life is too short to be miserable, I suggest you attend therapy and consult a lawyer, he is done.
Good luck
Sounds like he has been done with the marriage along time , to insist he wants out.It takes two to stay married, if the Other half wants out, then it’s done. There is nothing more you can do.