Q&A: Should I try to save my marriage when my husband wants a divorce?
Question by julia86: Should I try to save my marriage when my husband wants a divorce?
I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 6 1/2 of those. We have a 6 1/2 year old son together and I am currently 5 months pregnant with our daughter.
Our marriage was perfect up until about 3 years ago. 3 years ago we lost a baby. In the process I almost died. While I was in the hospital (in FL he was in NC) he was very supportive and was there for me every time we talked (his work wouldn’t let him off to come down). Once I got home he just wasn’t the same. He was his normal self but he refused to talk about what happened or even anything about kids, except our son, he could talk about him without a problem. I figured he was just coping in his own way. A year later, he’s finally talking about it, but refuses to discuss whether to try again or not. He then deployed for 8 months and after the first month, of being loving and sweet, of the deployment he starts to constantly find fault. Every time we talked there was another fight. And it was not only the normal things either. Yes there were fights about the finances, but he complained about me staying up all night so I could talk to him when he got a chance, and he started nit picking my parenting, like allowing our son to get his hair cut like daddy’s, or that our son was having mac and cheese for the second night in a row (it’s his favorite food). He still refused to talk about kids, but now he’d stop talking about anything “female” which meant every time I told him I went to the docs (I have cysts that require frequent monitoring) when he asked what I did that day caused a fight. Towards the end of the deployment I had finally had enough. I had decided more kids wasn’t a good idea anymore, especially given my health, and therefore I wouldn’t bring it up again, and that I’d see about making it a non issue. I’d also decided that I’d had enough of the constant fights. I still loved him dearly but I wanted out. I wanted a divorce. Well then he came home and we talked, really talked and I decided to stay. Then he tells me he wants another child. Something I had finally decided was too much of a risk to my health. I told him how I felt and we compromised. We weould give it a year. If I wasn’t pregnant by then we both would get snipped. Everything was great for the first 9 months or so. I wasn’t pregnant, which disappointed us both, but we were open and honest, loving and caring with eachother. Then he has to go away to a school for almost 2 months. He found out a week before the school started, and as soon as he found out he started pulling away from me again. Once he left he would only call or write once a week if that when he had constant internet access, and half of each day off. It was during this school that it all started falling apart in earnest. One night I got really drunk with a friend of ours and ended up sleeping with him. I told my husband about it right away, and he was hurt but said he still loved me and forgave me and that we would get through it. He came home from the school and gave me a wonderful anniversary and everything was ok. We had talked about what happened and put it behind us. Then I finally got pregnant ( we had decided to try a little longer). He had another school to go to 2 months ago. Everything was great up until the end of august. Then everything changed. He stopped talking to me and would only talk to our son when he’d call. He came home 3 weeks ago and told me he wanted a divorce. He said he doesn’t love me anymore and that he hates me. He moved out that night. He’s been over to the house every day to see our son, but wouldn’t even feel his daughter kick until a week ago when he went to my ultrasound. We just recently found out I have major issues with the pregnancy. The docs are concerned I won’t make it another 3 weeks with this prenancy and if I don’t there is almost nothing they can do to save the baby. They’ve put me on full bed rest. The only time I’m allowed up is to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, my husband won’t move back in to help so I’m having to get up all the time to take care of our son. My husband will only help when he’s here for the 2-3 hours a night and is cold as hell towards me. I’ve been having contractions for the past week and he still won’t stay here to help. If I go into labor it’ll take him 20 minutes to get here and then atleast 20 more to get to the hospital. He thinks it’s unreasonable of me to want him to stay in case there’s trouble.
I still love him, even though he’s being like this. I still want my marriage, and my husband. I don’t want a divorce. I fully believe we can still make this work. Yet part of me feels that I’m having to choose between my husband or my baby, since everytime I see him it hurts so much that I get upset and the contractions get worse.
What do I do? Do I try to stop my heart from loving him and give up on this marriage? or do I try and fight for what I want?
I forgot to mention that though he says he wants the divorce he still wants to be in my bed.
ok. To clarify. 1) He wants to be in my bed. I have not allowed it because it is unsafe for the baby. 2) I have no family close by, nor friends close enough to me that could help. When we married I moved away from everyone to be with him and our son. We’ve moved serveral times and we are currently 14 hours from my family. It is not safe for me to travel to them and unfortunately they can’t come to me. The few good friends I have here all live about 30 minutes away and have their own families to take care of. 3) He has agreed to a seperation first, because of the baby. 4) he has agreed to counceling, but with his work schedule we can’t do it for atleast a month. 5) he swears there is not another woman, physically or emotionally, which I believe is true.
Best answer:
Answer by V
He doesn’t want you, there’s not much you can do. You screwed around on him..he doesn’t trust you.
What do you think? Answer below!
Tags:divorce,husband,Marriage,Save,should,wants
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you need to calm down , take a deep breath and think carefully , right now you need to be concerned with your health , the babies health and the son you already have , you need to find someone to be with you and take care of both you and your son , i understand your little heart is torn right now , but just take one thing at a time , you can work on your marriage after the baby is born and you are in better physical shape to handle these emotions
Nope let him go if he wants out there is no need to waste the time in fighting for him. Really if one of the person’s involved really wants a divorce you might as well let them have it or you will just waste more of your life on this deadbeat. Fight for what you deserve but you might as well consider the marriage OVER!.
God Bless and Best Wishes.
Consider this it is just like counselling if only one person is willing to make things better it will never work out.
It sounds like he is pulling away emotionally when the tough times arrive. Like when he is called to work or the pregnancy issues. These may be very difficult for him to handle. I know people who have cheated and their spouses agreed to work the marriage out, but within that year the betrayed just could no longer fully trust their spouse and divorced. He needs to tell you what he wants before you make up your mind for him. You have a new baby on the way and lots of pregancy concerns, the added stress is cruel. Is there a family member that can stay with you and help out so you will feel a little better looked after? This baby is more important right now.
First of all you screwed yourself when you cheated on him. No the marriage is probably not going to work because the trust is gone. You broke the rules of marriage. So just let it be. You made your bed so now you have to lie in it by yourself!!
Ok now….I don’t know why you talked so much. Oh I know….because you’re trying to hide in all that writing that you had the urge for another lover.
What a surpise. Woman and the instict….ha ha ha ah too good.
better you go to a family’s place for some time being to get the care you need before the delivery. stop having all this convincing and pleading behaviours towards him, you are making yourself weaker and the more you’ll ask him to stay the more he will pull away, when you had an affair he realised what he was about to lose and suddenly became so kind and considerate… make things clear if he wants divorce he cant share your bed. definitely he’ll get back to you, its impossible to forget the mother of your kids and you’ve been around for so long. when he sees you in such a state he feels guilty at the same time annoyed with you, his ego has been hurt koz of the affair. don’t show him you care that much he’ll come back by himself, dont act pushy and care more for the innocent baby.
Your marriage is over whether you want it to be or not, your husband just couldn’t cope with everything, he lacks emotional maturity and the final straw was your cheating. Can’t ever get back to where you were before you broke his trust, both of you need to divorce and move on in your lives, this one is done.
how you try to save your marriage and the approach you take is what really makes the difference in how it affects your health and your child. You need to take care of your baby, so can’t you try to save your marriage, without putting too much pressure on yourself and your husband.? your husband needs time and space to deal with the stress,he has no idea how to deal with it right now.. when you feel cornered and pressured you usually take the easy way out. Therefore, ironically, you may try saving your marriage by being patient, giving him some space and some time, to sort himself out . At the same time you will give yourself some space and time to take care of your child. What about asking if
he would settle for a separation instead of a divorce for now? Letting someone have their space, when you love them is a risk, because you don’t know what will be the outcome. but true love is the test of time. if he does not come around like he did before, then why hold on to someone, who really does not believe in the marriage anymore. if youre right about him, he’ll come around