What should we do? Keep trying to work it out and save the marriage, or divorce and save ourselves?
Question by philipjmerrill: What should we do? Keep trying to work it out and save the marriage, or divorce and save ourselves?
I tend to run away from responsibility, Ive struggled with depression all my life. Knowing this, my best friend, against my pleading, fell for me and talked me into dating her and then into marrying her. I mistaked “not knowing what I want” for “I can handle anything” and we married. I told her before we even started dating I knew a few things, like I dont want kids (she does) and I dont want to live in this area (she does). Didnt faze her. She was driven to do good things back then, plus she was hot. Since we got married 5 years ago, weve degraded drastically. Im sure my depression has brought her down. Shes given up changing the world and shes gained a lot of weight. I was frugal and never had any debt before we married. Now were $ 30,000 in debt and we live on her parents property. Ive never done the manly thing before. What should we do? Keep trying to work it out and save the marriage, or divorce and save ourselves? No one in her family has ever divorced and no one in mine hasn’t.
I should add that we are both in our mid 20′s, working and going to school.
Also that my relationships before her tended to die out when I stopped calling, a tribute to my lack of manliness, fear of responsibility and history of depression.
She had no romantic relationships prior to me, which leads me to believe she persists in loving me out of guilt for wasting her love on me initially.
We do not have children yet.
Best answer:
Answer by big&rich
wow, that’s tough. It may help to try some counseling and if that doesn’t work you may wan to end it. The differences such as her wanting children and you not wanting them will just end in something much more bitter later on in life when she blames you for not wanting children when she knew all along. I’m not sure what else to say except good luck an all my best to you.
At least you are man enough to admit there’s a problem and try to resolve it.
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The answer always comes down to two things, you have to ask yourself if you love her and if there is trust in the relationship. No relationship can survive without either. You’re biggest problem is in your first sentence. You’re blaming her for falling in love with you, you choosing to date her, and you choosing to marry her. Relationships are always a two-way street. Even if those were things she wanted, you allowed her to push you into them even though it seems you didn’t want to date and marry her. You’re spending too much time on finding something to blame and then giving up instead of finding a solution to an obvious pattern in your life.
The fact that she wants kids and you don’t is going to be a big problem in your relationship. You definitely need to find something (a hobby or an accomplishment) to boost your self esteerm. Aside from that, you both need serious counseling to get to the root of your problems.
First, whatever happened or didnt in either of your families shouldnt have any bearing on you two now. It sounds like she was trying to get away from something and married you as the escape route and you two married at an early age with neither really ready for the responsibility nor not knowing where you wanted to go. You two had alot of growing up to do before this should have ever happened. But none of that matters now. Both of you are unhappy in a dead end marriage. So the best bet here would be to end the marriage on friendly terms, split the debt equally and depart as friends, and who knows maybe someday down lifes journey you two just might get together again under a better light. Stranger things have happened and you never know. Good luck to both of you.
if there is a problem in your marriage please take my advice (before you prosper financially) and get out of it, you will never regret it unless you wait till you have money for some jackass family attorney and corresponding family judge to clean your clock. take your small losses now and enjoy your new life.
This sounds like a typical thing for you to do. I mean you’ve run away from everything else in your life why not this? Yeah, why not this? What makes you struggle with this? maybe because half of the reason it’s not working is because you’ve hid behind your depression and never gave it an honest try. I’m in awe. I’d like to know where in the world did you get off marrying her in the first place and then bringing her down to your level of depression. You knew it was wrong, but much like now, you couldn’t take a stand in life and now you’ve gone and ruined her life too. And the $ 30,000 in debt? This only adds to your history of irresponsibility…you are only in your 20′s, how in the world do you accumulate so much debt without your own house? I’m sure you weren’t looking for a lecture, and maybe you your wife sees something in you that I don’t, but I strongly believe this is something you needed to hear. Stop using your depression as an excuse to hide behind your insecurities, stand up for yourself, take control of the situation and do the right thing. Divorce her and get some counseling buddy, cuz you desperately need that more than the excuses or the advice!
Sounds like you laid your cards on the table for her to see before getting involved, that’s one in your favor. You didn’t mention any children, so I take it there wasn’t any conceived. You both work yet so far in debt, not good. I really don’t understand your meaning “never done the manly thing before”.
Your depression could be controlled under a doctors care. Seek some help. If you have been together 5 years now, maybe this is just the trouble point in all marriages that have to be worked on and communication is a good way to overcome this. Working with a doctor about your depression he could give you some advise on your marriage, at least another doctor to see if nothing else. Don’t let your last statement control what the 2 of you need to do, it is not about what everyone in the family are doing it is what you 2 think is best for your situation